Transcendence…my outside consciousness

21 04 2008

This isn’t way I expected to begin my blog, but something or someone…is requesting that this be written.
_______________________

I’m usually a focused person.  I make lists, I have timelines, I plan, and everything has its place.  But recently, I’ve been unfocused.  Or possibly refocused.  I’m trying to finish my college education, but I’m not doing such a good job… For the past 6 months, I’ve had an overwhelming feeling of unrest.  Like everything’s happening around me, some of those events are about me, but in no way am I involved in them.  I’m just here and life–my life–is going on around me.  And then there’s this need to have someone…

My HS social studies teacher and 2nd mother always told me, “You should never be bored because you’re always with the most interesting person you know.”  Those were wonderful words from a woman who saw a bright, young lady struggling with friendships, finding her place and being comfortable with who she is.  So for the longest time, I’ve lived my life like that.  I’ve never really felt as if I needed other people around me because I’ve always had me.  Not to say I’m anti-social, I just keep a few people close to me and that’s been enough.  Now, accompanying this feeling of unrest has come the need to be hyper-social.  Are there people out there that I need to meet?  Have I been missing out on life because I’m a loner?  Or is everything I need for a fulfilled life right in front of me and I’m just ignoring it in the name of some futile search? When I say there’s a need to have someone, that doesn’t mean I’m looking for a significant other.  What I mean is someone who is going through a similar (yet completely different) situation, someone who understands me but doesn’t always “get” me, someone who loves living and despises life and most importantly, someone who wants the same from me.

I don’t know how to make sense of all of this, but I think it’s about time I meet my Other.
2011

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